"The things I hadn't dealt with."


Josh was 12 years old when the phone rang on a quiet Sunday morning. He was home alone, mid-game of WWE SmackDown, when a voice on the other end broke the news.
In this episode, Josh talks honestly about delayed grief, the way children absorb loss without the language to process it, and how the stories we tell - through music, through art, through conversation - can become the very thing that saves us.
He also reflects on identity: growing up the happy one, finding his voice as a storyteller, and learning to answer the three questions his drama lecturer once posed: who am I, why am I here, and is that okay?
This is a conversation about grief that arrives late, creativity as survival, and the slow, ongoing process of becoming who you were always meant to be.
LINKS:
Listen to Josh's song "Life as a Fleeting Bird" on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/0EkW0sS6uYlfXB7InWl40o?si=40c3280ab1ed497c Listen to Something Shifted: The Soundtrack on Spotify
00:00 - Intro
02:16 - A miracle baby and a mother with lupus
05:12 - The Sunday morning everything changed
09:18 - Dodging the wrecking ball
14:37 - University, drama and the question: who am I?
17:11 - The dream, the weeping, the hard reset
20:05 - Writing a song for his mom
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.440
Hey, how are you?
If you're new here. Welcome.
00:00:05.800 --> 00:00:09.480
Something shifted is about identity,
of the interruption.
00:00:09.720 --> 00:00:13.040
About who we become after the
life quake hits.
00:00:13.040 --> 00:00:17.280
And the stories we tell ourselves
when everything changes.
00:00:18.320 --> 00:00:21.120
And I think you're gonna like it
here.
00:00:22.240 --> 00:00:26.240
My name is Shawn,
and this is something shifted.
00:00:28.240 --> 00:00:33.960
Today's story belongs to Josh.
And now I'm a man,
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and I'm weeping at the gravesite.
It was just like I knew then
00:00:45.240 --> 00:00:50.600
that I'm mourning now.
That's next. Right after this.
00:00:53.960 --> 00:00:59.280
If you believe that rest is a luxury.
We can't be friends.
00:00:59.720 --> 00:01:02.520
Real change is exhausting,
and even when your mind is ready,
00:01:02.520 --> 00:01:06.120
your body has kept the score so it
can't keep up with proper recovery.
00:01:06.120 --> 00:01:10.240
Which is why I started taking solos.
Magnesium glycine eight.
00:01:10.280 --> 00:01:13.520
It helps with muscle energy,
nervous system support and honestly,
00:01:13.520 --> 00:01:18.320
I'm feeling a lot less fatigued.
You can learn more about solo and
00:01:18.320 --> 00:01:23.840
their full range of supplements
for healthy aging on Solo Soleil.
00:01:29.200 --> 00:01:32.720
There are some people in the
world who just always seem happy,
00:01:32.720 --> 00:01:37.720
and most of them get under my skin,
but not Josh.
00:01:38.360 --> 00:01:41.920
Josh and I go way back like the
start of my radio career,
00:01:41.960 --> 00:01:46.880
way back from the day we met.
Josh always seemed happy,
00:01:47.120 --> 00:01:50.440
you know, like the color yellow
or a Labrador puppy.
00:01:50.880 --> 00:01:54.640
A twinkle in his eye,
a genuine smile on his face.
00:01:54.640 --> 00:01:59.840
Which is why we gave him the nickname
Kiseki, because he has a face
00:01:59.880 --> 00:02:04.760
that always makes us smile back.
I think I had a pretty regular
00:02:04.760 --> 00:02:08.920
childhood. Pretty happy childhood.
Um, I had a lot of friends,
00:02:08.920 --> 00:02:12.200
and we lived in a little cul de sac,
which meant a lot of time for
00:02:12.200 --> 00:02:19.680
play and just fun kid stuff.
Turns out Josh is somewhat of a
00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:22.960
miracle baby because after his
older brother was born,
00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:29.560
his mom became very ill.
They told my mom that after my
00:02:29.560 --> 00:02:34.200
brother she can have no more kids.
So my parents were not expecting
00:02:34.200 --> 00:02:37.080
to have another child and they
were not planning to, you know,
00:02:37.120 --> 00:02:39.520
even think about that because
doctors were like this could lead to
00:02:39.520 --> 00:02:42.600
complications in the next pregnancy.
So rather not.
00:02:43.000 --> 00:02:49.080
And, um, well, then I arrived, uh,
surprisingly, and they decided to
00:02:49.080 --> 00:02:51.680
go through with the pregnancy.
Everything seemed to go fine.
00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:55.560
When people seem happy,
genuinely happy.
00:02:55.600 --> 00:03:01.040
Not the OT toxic positivity kind
of happy, but the quiet,
00:03:01.040 --> 00:03:06.920
consistent kind of happy.
I guess we assume that they're okay.
00:03:07.200 --> 00:03:10.600
I mean, you know that they must
have dealt with some stuff,
00:03:10.800 --> 00:03:15.440
but you just figure it wasn't
that bad because they're happy.
00:03:16.680 --> 00:03:21.400
I'd say probably somewhere in my
primary school years, uh,
00:03:21.400 --> 00:03:27.880
illness came back.
Josh's mom had been diagnosed with
00:03:27.880 --> 00:03:32.080
lupus, which flared up significantly
after her first pregnancy with his
00:03:32.080 --> 00:03:36.240
brother lupus, a chronic autoimmune
disease where your immune system
00:03:36.240 --> 00:03:39.800
gets confused and it starts to
attack healthy tissue in your body.
00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:43.520
And after his brother was born,
his mom was in and out of
00:03:43.520 --> 00:03:47.960
hospital for two years.
But over time, things got better.
00:03:48.040 --> 00:03:52.240
They had Josh and thereafter,
a stretch of very healthy years
00:03:52.240 --> 00:03:56.280
before his mom's lupus became a
real challenge again.
00:03:56.600 --> 00:03:59.800
And then it was sort of in and
out of hospital.
00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:04.480
It affected the kidneys, which meant
that she had to be on the Alice's,
00:04:04.480 --> 00:04:08.360
I think, at 2 or 3 times a week.
So that was something that I
00:04:08.360 --> 00:04:13.200
remember quite vividly as a routine,
you know, going straight from school
00:04:13.240 --> 00:04:16.640
to the hospital, um, you know,
basically to hang with my mom
00:04:16.640 --> 00:04:20.760
and dad for 2 to 3 hours while
she's on the dialysis machines.
00:04:20.760 --> 00:04:23.120
And that was like a Thursday
afternoon.
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:27.760
And then on Saturday she would be on,
uh, almost like the drip.
00:04:27.760 --> 00:04:30.520
And that was, uh,
something that she did at home.
00:04:30.800 --> 00:04:34.000
But other than that, like,
it was a pretty happy childhood.
00:04:34.000 --> 00:04:37.640
Pretty creative.
Um, um, that for me,
00:04:37.680 --> 00:04:41.520
felt like my normal.
Kids are pretty great like that.
00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:47.560
The bad stuff is bad,
but the good stuff can be so good
00:04:47.880 --> 00:04:51.200
that they just get on with it.
Okay, mom's sick,
00:04:51.360 --> 00:04:55.400
and she's in another hospital.
Um, she bounces back really quickly.
00:04:55.400 --> 00:04:58.880
So this is just our regular.
This is our normal thing that
00:04:58.880 --> 00:05:01.960
happens in our family.
Um, not really,
00:05:01.960 --> 00:05:05.600
considering that other families
don't have this complication.
00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:08.640
Josh had found a way to be happy
in his normal.
00:05:08.680 --> 00:05:12.120
Even though his normal was quite
different to that of his friends.
00:05:12.680 --> 00:05:16.680
Although his mum was quite sick.
Josh was a 12 year old kid,
00:05:16.680 --> 00:05:19.720
so his parents didn't discuss
all the details and the
00:05:19.720 --> 00:05:23.200
implications with him.
Even when she was hospitalized,
00:05:23.240 --> 00:05:29.760
they did their best to protect him.
It was a regular Sunday morning
00:05:29.760 --> 00:05:33.440
in March.
The house was quiet, so 12 year old
00:05:33.440 --> 00:05:38.480
Josh crept out of bed to squeeze in
some video gaming before a day full
00:05:38.480 --> 00:05:43.440
of church and friends taking care
not to wake his sleeping family.
00:05:43.680 --> 00:05:49.400
And I remember I was playing WWE
SmackDown and and that's when
00:05:49.400 --> 00:05:53.080
they phoned.
Josh hadn't realized that he was
00:05:53.080 --> 00:05:57.280
home alone.
He thought everyone else was sleeping
00:05:57.760 --> 00:06:01.640
when the ringing interrupted his
gaming. Nobody was around.
00:06:01.640 --> 00:06:05.520
I was I was at home.
Which is when the voice on the other
00:06:05.520 --> 00:06:14.760
end said. Your mom's passed away now.
And even then it was like a I
00:06:14.760 --> 00:06:23.520
didn't know what to make of it.
Josh's family, his dad,
00:06:23.520 --> 00:06:27.960
his grandmother, his aunt,
they were all at the hospital.
00:06:28.440 --> 00:06:30.920
They knew that the time had come
to say goodbye,
00:06:31.520 --> 00:06:34.360
but nobody had told Josh.
00:06:39.440 --> 00:06:44.480
12 year old Josh was all alone
in that moment and needed to
00:06:44.480 --> 00:06:50.040
make sense of something so big,
something that didn't fit into
00:06:50.080 --> 00:06:53.840
his frame of reference.
Because this thing was so routine and
00:06:53.840 --> 00:06:58.750
so regularly happening in and out of
hospital, to me, it didn't feel weird
00:06:58.790 --> 00:07:03.110
that she'd passed away immediately.
It felt almost like she's just gonna,
00:07:03.190 --> 00:07:06.390
you know. She'll she'll bounce back.
That was kind of like the narrative.
00:07:06.630 --> 00:07:09.350
Um. Don't worry.
You know, it's going to be okay.
00:07:09.670 --> 00:07:13.550
Mom's going to be back soon.
I guess my programming at that
00:07:13.590 --> 00:07:17.230
at that time was, you know,
this is normal.
00:07:17.350 --> 00:07:20.310
And even afterwards,
after everyone had come home and
00:07:20.310 --> 00:07:23.190
the mourning process had begun,
it still felt like just a regular
00:07:23.190 --> 00:07:28.710
day to me. Because it was a Sunday.
People came over like they would
00:07:28.750 --> 00:07:32.830
on any given Sunday,
except in this case, they were
00:07:32.830 --> 00:07:37.110
there to mourn the loss of his mom.
So although that Sunday was not
00:07:37.110 --> 00:07:41.710
normal for 12 year old Josh,
there were enough normal things
00:07:41.710 --> 00:07:44.030
to hold on to.
They just felt like another
00:07:44.030 --> 00:07:45.710
normal day.
There were obviously moments
00:07:45.710 --> 00:07:49.670
when coming back to normal life
after having gone through the,
00:07:49.710 --> 00:07:53.670
you know, the funeral and all of
those arrangements that, okay,
00:07:53.670 --> 00:07:57.630
she's not here anymore.
Of course, as time moved on,
00:07:57.710 --> 00:08:02.190
the absence of his mom became
more noticeable and sometimes in
00:08:02.190 --> 00:08:04.750
unexpected ways.
Especially because she was a
00:08:04.750 --> 00:08:07.910
maths teacher and she always used
to help me with my homework.
00:08:08.310 --> 00:08:12.870
Um, and then I experienced like a,
you know, very stark drop in my
00:08:12.870 --> 00:08:16.870
grades after she passed because
it was natural for her to help
00:08:16.870 --> 00:08:20.190
me with my mathematics.
So when I wasn't excelling anymore,
00:08:20.230 --> 00:08:22.430
it was like, hey,
something's wrong now.
00:08:22.630 --> 00:08:24.430
That was one of the few moments
where it was like, okay,
00:08:24.470 --> 00:08:28.070
something's really different now.
Josh's mom was the warmth of their
00:08:28.070 --> 00:08:32.630
house, the life of the party.
Of course, he still had his dad
00:08:32.630 --> 00:08:36.750
and his older brother.
But our relationships were kind of
00:08:37.070 --> 00:08:41.150
still pretty much very pedestrian.
Like my dad, my brother and I had
00:08:41.190 --> 00:08:45.310
kind of, like, this very formal
relationship where it's like,
00:08:45.310 --> 00:08:48.550
we don't really go further than,
hey, how's the weather?
00:08:49.870 --> 00:08:52.910
Um, which I didn't I didn't
figure that was weird because
00:08:52.910 --> 00:08:56.910
that was just normal.
Regardless of how happy you are.
00:08:57.110 --> 00:09:00.950
It is normal to cry,
to grieve when you lose someone.
00:09:01.790 --> 00:09:07.550
But what if you don't?
What if you just don't?
00:09:08.190 --> 00:09:12.030
What if you dodge the sadness?
You slip and slide.
00:09:12.030 --> 00:09:18.230
And that slow wrecking ball of
grief just swings right by.
00:09:18.230 --> 00:09:23.190
You feel like what happened was I
just carried on having these normal
00:09:23.190 --> 00:09:28.390
days of just filling my day with
friends and activities and gaming
00:09:28.470 --> 00:09:37.430
and and I think because of that,
the impact wasn't like as sudden.
00:09:37.750 --> 00:09:42.110
There was the gaming and school.
Josh has loads of friends and of
00:09:42.110 --> 00:09:44.630
course the gaming.
And there were moments when the
00:09:44.630 --> 00:09:48.230
grief almost had a chance to
break through the normal.
00:09:48.430 --> 00:09:51.830
Like when a teacher pulled Josh
aside shortly after his mom had
00:09:51.830 --> 00:09:54.590
passed away.
Took me aside after class and she
00:09:54.590 --> 00:09:57.670
was like, Josh, I just wanted to
find out if you and your dad are
00:09:57.670 --> 00:10:01.270
going for therapy or counseling
or whatever. And I was like, no.
00:10:01.590 --> 00:10:04.910
She's like, well, do you want that?
Because maybe the school can
00:10:04.910 --> 00:10:09.110
arrange or recommend somebody.
And I was like, no, I'll be good,
00:10:09.190 --> 00:10:12.350
you know? Okay, cool.
But that was something we never
00:10:12.350 --> 00:10:15.030
spoke about.
You never spoke about like going
00:10:15.030 --> 00:10:17.550
for counseling or therapy.
But I actually realized now that
00:10:17.790 --> 00:10:23.030
maybe we should have.
Maybe they should have taken the
00:10:23.030 --> 00:10:29.190
time to talk, to grieve together.
But life just kept happening.
00:10:30.150 --> 00:10:34.330
My mom died on the 18th of March.
My brother's wedding was on the
00:10:34.330 --> 00:10:37.110
7th of April,
and they had a wedding in Cape Town.
00:10:37.110 --> 00:10:41.510
And so this whole thing basically
happened on the edge of the brand new
00:10:41.550 --> 00:10:45.670
thing that was about to begin for my
brother. So very confusing space.
00:10:45.710 --> 00:10:52.710
Um, especially for a 12 year old.
At the time of his mom's passing.
00:10:52.910 --> 00:10:55.390
Josh and his family had been
living in Johannesburg,
00:10:55.430 --> 00:10:59.790
and his mum died just before
Josh moved to high school.
00:10:59.870 --> 00:11:04.950
I was about to go to this very
prestigious boys school and it was
00:11:04.950 --> 00:11:08.030
almost like the the path was mapped
for me because it was like, okay,
00:11:08.030 --> 00:11:12.350
you're going to go to this school,
you're going to go into a
00:11:12.350 --> 00:11:15.510
traditional career path.
Do something that we couldn't do,
00:11:15.550 --> 00:11:18.150
you know, become a lawyer or
doctor or something like this.
00:11:18.670 --> 00:11:20.590
You know, there's almost like a
prescribed path.
00:11:21.270 --> 00:11:25.110
Which is when things started to
change, even if for a while,
00:11:25.110 --> 00:11:29.070
12 year old Josh still felt like
it was normal.
00:11:30.230 --> 00:11:33.670
First, they relocated from
Johannesburg to Frydenberg on
00:11:33.670 --> 00:11:37.510
the west coast, which is on the
opposite side of the country.
00:11:37.670 --> 00:11:40.830
It's like a town that never changes,
like a timeless place.
00:11:40.870 --> 00:11:43.710
And my parents lived there
before I was born.
00:11:44.470 --> 00:11:48.590
Today, Josh can identify this
move as a way his dad might have
00:11:48.590 --> 00:11:52.830
been secretly coping with the
loss of his wife by going back
00:11:52.830 --> 00:11:58.430
to the place with good memories.
Once in Frydenberg, Josh was
00:11:58.430 --> 00:12:02.870
enrolled in a co-ed high school.
Now, I'm not in this sort of very
00:12:02.870 --> 00:12:08.590
patriarchal, masculine world where
it's just kill or be killed.
00:12:08.790 --> 00:12:12.510
The boys school that I was at.
Now I'm suddenly in this very
00:12:12.510 --> 00:12:15.750
creative atmosphere.
It felt almost like coming to
00:12:15.790 --> 00:12:18.830
Cape Town was also this place
where the becoming started.
00:12:18.830 --> 00:12:23.270
And that is where Josh started
becoming a storyteller.
00:12:26.310 --> 00:12:31.630
Yeah, so I've been into storytelling
in various formats my whole life,
00:12:31.630 --> 00:12:33.790
really.
I feel like I'm I'm just
00:12:33.790 --> 00:12:37.990
completely obsessed with it.
Between school and gaming and
00:12:37.990 --> 00:12:42.390
friends and gaming.
Josh had found his musical talent.
00:12:43.030 --> 00:12:46.710
Songs have just been an immediate
format for me to explore that,
00:12:46.710 --> 00:12:50.630
but I when I looked back on it, like,
if I look back at the course of my
00:12:50.630 --> 00:12:55.270
life professionally, it's almost like
it's all come back down to stories.
00:12:55.390 --> 00:12:58.910
That's because stories are part
of Josh's heritage.
00:12:59.350 --> 00:13:04.790
My parents, interestingly, they are
from the small town where the only
00:13:04.830 --> 00:13:08.510
thing you could do was tell stories.
They are from a sort of like a
00:13:08.510 --> 00:13:13.270
pre TV era as well.
So it's like the only thing you
00:13:13.270 --> 00:13:16.870
can do in this hot,
arid place is tell stories.
00:13:16.870 --> 00:13:20.510
And um, and so I'm like sitting
there in the company of all of
00:13:20.510 --> 00:13:24.110
these people and I'm like, okay,
actually this is part of my lineage.
00:13:24.150 --> 00:13:26.830
You know,
this is this is part of my DNA.
00:13:27.070 --> 00:13:30.670
Josh's love for storytelling informed
his decisions at university,
00:13:30.670 --> 00:13:33.350
including signing up at the
campus radio station,
00:13:33.350 --> 00:13:40.390
which is where we met around 2007.
Radio, of course, is a natural
00:13:40.390 --> 00:13:44.110
fit for storytellers like us.
I mean, this is why I studied
00:13:44.150 --> 00:13:46.630
theater and studied acting.
It was almost like an instinct
00:13:46.670 --> 00:13:51.870
that I had that the things that
I really enjoy, the art that I
00:13:51.870 --> 00:13:58.070
really enjoy, Is a way for you
to explore an imagined world.
00:13:58.190 --> 00:14:00.670
He couldn't have been aware of
it at the time.
00:14:00.790 --> 00:14:05.870
But ever since he was a kid,
Josh had been using stories to make
00:14:05.870 --> 00:14:09.230
sense of the world around him.
I feel like a lot of maybe what was
00:14:09.230 --> 00:14:13.430
happening when my mom passed away was
me escaping into imaginary places.
00:14:13.470 --> 00:14:18.870
I think that escaping into these
created worlds has been for me,
00:14:18.870 --> 00:14:21.910
has really been almost like a
godsend, in the sense that it's
00:14:21.910 --> 00:14:25.270
something that I can always turn
to when I'm not really sure of
00:14:25.270 --> 00:14:29.270
what I'm thinking about.
So Josh had music in his fingertips,
00:14:29.350 --> 00:14:34.030
stories in his ears,
and imaginary worlds in his mind when
00:14:34.030 --> 00:14:39.830
he chose this less than clear path.
I once asked a lecturer when I
00:14:39.830 --> 00:14:45.070
was at at university,
why do people study drama?
00:14:45.390 --> 00:14:47.830
Because there's so many reasons
why you shouldn't.
00:14:47.990 --> 00:14:50.790
And the guy answered,
so you hear it because you want
00:14:50.790 --> 00:14:58.350
to answer the question, Who am I?
Why am I? And is that okay?
00:14:58.670 --> 00:15:03.310
As a young man, Josh thought he knew
the answers to these questions.
00:15:03.350 --> 00:15:07.030
Or at least he was confident that
he was on his way to knowing them.
00:15:07.310 --> 00:15:12.310
Are the youthful naivety of our 20s.
Josh was happy.
00:15:12.630 --> 00:15:16.430
The yellow or a Labrador?
Puppies kind of happy and things
00:15:16.430 --> 00:15:20.110
around him as far as he was
concerned, were normal.
00:15:21.110 --> 00:15:24.350
And then his grandmother died.
00:15:30.470 --> 00:15:35.990
Josh was 27 years old when his Oma
passed away. She'd lived a full life.
00:15:36.150 --> 00:15:40.590
She was 92 years old and her
passing wasn't sudden.
00:15:41.070 --> 00:15:44.630
This time, Josh knew it was coming.
He wasn't out of the loop and he
00:15:44.630 --> 00:15:49.670
was older and wiser.
So why did his grandmother's passing
00:15:49.670 --> 00:15:53.670
disrupt his normal more than his
mom's death 15 years earlier.
00:15:54.150 --> 00:15:57.990
Why was he overcome by grief
this time around?
00:15:58.110 --> 00:16:05.310
And why was he waking up crying?
I woke up weeping in the middle
00:16:05.310 --> 00:16:09.110
of the night, weeping like sore.
You know.
00:16:09.710 --> 00:16:12.430
Have you ever wept where you
feel like it's sore?
00:16:12.550 --> 00:16:17.310
You physically feel this is pain.
Now it's not like I'm just crying
00:16:17.310 --> 00:16:21.590
because I'm feeling a little
emotional. This is like deep weeping.
00:16:21.950 --> 00:16:27.430
Almost like shout. Crying. You know.
Josh was processing old wounds
00:16:27.430 --> 00:16:30.510
in his dreams.
In this dream, Josh was having a
00:16:30.510 --> 00:16:34.270
conversation with his dad.
His dad comes from a baby boomer
00:16:34.270 --> 00:16:35.630
generation.
You know,
00:16:35.670 --> 00:16:40.190
the men don't have emotions era.
And although Josh had seen his dad
00:16:40.190 --> 00:16:44.350
expressed emotion, it would take a
long time before that would surface.
00:16:44.390 --> 00:16:50.870
Which means conversations about
feelings were always just awkward.
00:16:51.470 --> 00:16:54.590
So in this dream, I had this
conversation with him where I was
00:16:54.590 --> 00:16:57.670
like, okay, well, dad, how did you
deal with your mom passing away?
00:16:57.710 --> 00:17:02.150
Like, how did you ever get over this?
And in the dream, he said
00:17:02.150 --> 00:17:07.190
something like, well, you know,
you just you just accept it and you,
00:17:07.230 --> 00:17:10.390
you push it down, you push the
emotions and the feelings down.
00:17:11.150 --> 00:17:15.230
It was in this very moment that
Josh woke up weeping,
00:17:15.350 --> 00:17:19.790
as if the wrecking ball of grief
had finally struck a water line.
00:17:20.470 --> 00:17:25.550
My Oma was buried in the same
cemetery as my mom in.
00:17:25.590 --> 00:17:29.590
They bought one of these three
story graves where the person
00:17:29.590 --> 00:17:32.070
who goes first is at the bottom.
Then you have the next layer, and
00:17:32.070 --> 00:17:37.110
then I guess it's more affordable.
And so when we were at the gravesite,
00:17:37.150 --> 00:17:38.830
it came up again.
It was like, oh my gosh,
00:17:38.870 --> 00:17:42.630
I'm reliving something that the
first time I hadn't,
00:17:42.670 --> 00:17:47.630
I hadn't had an opportunity to grieve
or mourn because I was just a kid.
00:17:47.670 --> 00:17:52.550
I think kids have a way of
tuning out bad because they
00:17:52.550 --> 00:17:56.510
don't have the language for it.
And now I'm a man and I'm
00:17:56.790 --> 00:18:01.710
weeping at the gravesite.
And I knew then that I'm
00:18:01.710 --> 00:18:03.870
mourning now.
It's almost like emotionally,
00:18:03.870 --> 00:18:07.470
you don't you don't get to progress
further than things that you've
00:18:07.470 --> 00:18:12.190
overcome in that emotional place.
If you don't deal with that stuff,
00:18:12.230 --> 00:18:14.910
then the next time something happens
that triggers an event like that,
00:18:14.910 --> 00:18:17.710
you return.
In a sense, you become a 12 year
00:18:17.710 --> 00:18:22.510
old again in that moment.
27 year old Josh met 12 year old
00:18:22.510 --> 00:18:25.470
Josh at the side of the very
same gravesite.
00:18:25.470 --> 00:18:31.070
But this time, 15 years later,
Josh didn't dodge the grief.
00:18:31.430 --> 00:18:39.350
Instead, he invited it in.
At that time, I was freelancing
00:18:39.350 --> 00:18:43.910
as an actor and as a musician,
and I was basically just sitting
00:18:43.910 --> 00:18:46.550
around at home, you know,
going for auditions,
00:18:46.550 --> 00:18:49.470
typical things that actors do.
And whenever a gig comes up,
00:18:49.470 --> 00:18:52.630
I'd go in and do the gig.
There was no career, basically.
00:18:53.230 --> 00:18:58.750
I also came out of a long term
relationship and I felt quite alone,
00:18:58.750 --> 00:19:00.590
actually.
And I think that is actually what
00:19:00.630 --> 00:19:08.190
brought it all up, because for the
first time in 15 years, I. Was alone.
00:19:10.510 --> 00:19:13.630
15 years earlier,
the death of his mum had started this
00:19:13.630 --> 00:19:17.870
chain of events that led to Josh
becoming an artist, a storyteller,
00:19:17.870 --> 00:19:21.830
and in time, his own person.
While Josh wasn't able to deal with
00:19:21.830 --> 00:19:26.630
his mother's passing when he was 12,
or in the immediate years thereafter,
00:19:26.910 --> 00:19:31.310
it was his almost passing that
shook the ground beneath him.
00:19:31.830 --> 00:19:35.590
I think that the things that I
hadn't dealt with within unlocked.
00:19:35.630 --> 00:19:37.830
It was like, okay,
we're gonna work with this now,
00:19:37.870 --> 00:19:42.910
you know, you need to go there now.
Now you have to. It was good.
00:19:42.910 --> 00:19:46.470
It was needed.
And almost like there was a hard
00:19:46.470 --> 00:19:49.350
reset that was happening,
you know, like hard reset, like.
00:19:49.390 --> 00:19:52.420
Let's begin again.
Time to start again.
00:19:54.740 --> 00:19:59.460
When Josh was finally ready to
face the sadness, to let it all
00:19:59.460 --> 00:20:05.780
just be the melodies and the words
that he needed to heal found him.
00:20:05.940 --> 00:20:09.500
I'd written a song which was
almost like my catharsis.
00:20:09.540 --> 00:20:13.500
A song about my mom's passing
away and what I'd gone through.
00:20:13.700 --> 00:20:17.820
If I go down to the piano and I
start playing something and some
00:20:17.820 --> 00:20:22.380
melody spills out and some words,
and if I follow that thing to its
00:20:22.380 --> 00:20:28.020
logical conclusion and it becomes a
piece of art, then I feel almost
00:20:28.020 --> 00:20:34.140
as though I've dealt with it now.
And I felt like that song was a
00:20:34.140 --> 00:20:37.620
way in which I was able to
express something about that
00:20:37.620 --> 00:20:41.620
situation without necessarily
being confrontational.
00:20:41.940 --> 00:20:45.540
The wrecking ball of grief had
swung right past 12 year old Josh,
00:20:45.540 --> 00:20:49.500
but others in the family didn't
have the same experience.
00:20:49.660 --> 00:20:54.140
The grief hit them hard immediately.
I mean, what happened to my mom?
00:20:54.220 --> 00:20:57.260
You can't blame anybody for that.
Maybe the way that it was handled
00:20:57.260 --> 00:21:02.180
wasn't the most emotionally mature.
You know, I guess people were
00:21:02.180 --> 00:21:04.860
also just trying to protect me.
When I wrote that song about my mom,
00:21:04.860 --> 00:21:08.340
I could perform that song to an
audience without choking up.
00:21:08.380 --> 00:21:11.660
I can do that now without choking up,
because it's almost like the
00:21:11.660 --> 00:21:14.460
chapter is closed.
Looking back over the span of
00:21:14.460 --> 00:21:18.260
his life, Josh can say that he's
always gravitated towards stories,
00:21:18.260 --> 00:21:23.540
but he's been a bit hesitant to
don the label of storyteller.
00:21:23.620 --> 00:21:26.420
People started saying,
I'm a storyteller before I took
00:21:26.420 --> 00:21:29.020
on that role.
You know, it was like, Josh,
00:21:29.500 --> 00:21:32.340
Josh tells great stories, and even
in the music realm, it's like,
00:21:32.420 --> 00:21:35.100
yeah, he's a great songwriter, but
actually he's a great storyteller.
00:21:35.100 --> 00:21:39.780
And that was like, okay, you keep
people keep saying this. What is it?
00:21:39.900 --> 00:21:45.020
Because I've been focusing on chord
progressions and melodies and all
00:21:45.020 --> 00:21:48.500
of the things that exist inside of
a song, but people keep saying,
00:21:48.540 --> 00:21:51.460
oh, he's a great storyteller, man.
And so I went down this rabbit
00:21:51.460 --> 00:21:53.860
hole of exploring.
Okay, who am I looking back,
00:21:54.420 --> 00:21:57.340
like, what's my lineage?
And then why am I here?
00:21:57.380 --> 00:21:59.300
Like, what's the purpose?
And then is that okay?
00:21:59.340 --> 00:22:01.780
Which is a big one.
It's like, is it okay to be a
00:22:01.780 --> 00:22:04.420
little bit different than to be
a little bit weird and quirky?
00:22:05.020 --> 00:22:09.820
Josh is now 37 years old and another
ten years wiser for having felt the
00:22:09.820 --> 00:22:14.620
full extent of his grief, and now he
can answer those three questions his
00:22:14.620 --> 00:22:21.540
drama lecturer had posed. Who am I?
Why am I here? And is it okay?
00:22:22.260 --> 00:22:26.660
Josh knows who he is now,
and he knows he's still becoming.
00:22:27.020 --> 00:22:31.020
I came up with this little
theory that maybe I'm a scribe.
00:22:31.260 --> 00:22:33.580
You know, if we're going to use.
We use archetypal language.
00:22:33.580 --> 00:22:39.700
Maybe I am a scribe for this,
for this little pocket of time
00:22:39.700 --> 00:22:43.220
that we have on in this little
corner of this world.
00:22:43.300 --> 00:22:46.740
I feel like the becoming process is
something that you just never arrive.
00:22:46.780 --> 00:22:49.620
You just always you're on the
way somewhere.
00:22:49.900 --> 00:22:54.420
And through the processing.
Josh also knows why his stories
00:22:54.420 --> 00:22:57.580
matter.
The why always seems to have to
00:22:57.620 --> 00:23:02.860
do with helping other people.
Like, um. Speaking of service.
00:23:02.900 --> 00:23:06.660
What does the world need?
If my experience of grief is
00:23:06.660 --> 00:23:10.580
something that is meant to move
someone to dealing with their
00:23:10.580 --> 00:23:13.660
own grief.
And I've sort of come through it
00:23:13.660 --> 00:23:16.780
and I've overcome that. Who?
I've dealt with it.
00:23:16.820 --> 00:23:20.660
Then it means that the next person
who's going to come across that
00:23:20.660 --> 00:23:25.940
story, they'll be better for it.
And then is it okay?
00:23:26.660 --> 00:23:29.660
Josh is sitting across from me
in a studio in Sea Point as we
00:23:29.660 --> 00:23:33.020
record this conversation.
We've both come a long way since
00:23:33.020 --> 00:23:35.900
our carefree days at a campus
radio station in Stellenbosch.
00:23:36.660 --> 00:23:39.860
We're dads now.
Husbands, creative spirits carving
00:23:39.860 --> 00:23:45.220
out untraditional career paths.
And today, Josh is a little fatigued
00:23:45.220 --> 00:23:49.620
and recovering from a head cold,
but he still exudes an easy
00:23:49.700 --> 00:23:54.180
happiness, a smile that lights up
the room with an aura that might
00:23:54.180 --> 00:23:59.140
be slightly faint but is still
reminiscent of yellow and Labradors.
00:23:59.620 --> 00:24:03.180
And then he looks at me and sees
through the coat of happiness
00:24:03.180 --> 00:24:07.180
that I tend to put on when I sit
behind a microphone.
00:24:07.500 --> 00:24:10.300
I mean, people look at you and
they're like, ah, the radio guy.
00:24:10.340 --> 00:24:12.620
Cool, happy radio guy.
But actually then you listen to
00:24:12.620 --> 00:24:14.580
your first episode and it's like,
oh my gosh.
00:24:14.620 --> 00:24:16.500
Like,
Sean's been going through stuff,
00:24:16.540 --> 00:24:27.100
you know? Yeah, I guess I have.
We all have. So then is it okay?
00:24:28.020 --> 00:24:32.820
Is it okay to be all of this
randomness, all of this meandering
00:24:32.820 --> 00:24:37.140
and all of this multi-faceted,
multidisciplinary stuff?
00:24:38.540 --> 00:24:45.500
Is it okay? Yes. It's okay.
Today,
00:24:45.540 --> 00:24:49.620
Josh is a multimedia storyteller,
whether on screen, behind a
00:24:49.620 --> 00:24:53.860
microphone or with pen in hand.
He lives in Cape Town, raising two
00:24:53.860 --> 00:24:57.900
young children with his beautiful
wife and the song playing Right Now.
00:24:58.300 --> 00:25:02.060
Josh wrote this for his mom.
It's called life as a Fleeting Bird,
00:25:02.060 --> 00:25:08.900
and you can find it on Spotify.
Go on, subscribe to Something
00:25:08.900 --> 00:25:12.180
Shifted now and never miss a
human centered story.
00:25:12.580 --> 00:25:15.900
You can find more episodes and
ways to support the podcast at
00:25:15.900 --> 00:25:19.700
Something Shifted.
And because you've listened all
00:25:19.700 --> 00:25:22.140
the way to the end,
we want to share how something
00:25:22.140 --> 00:25:26.020
shifted soundtrack with you.
It's a compilation of songs we've
00:25:26.020 --> 00:25:30.220
listened to while making the season,
songs that make us feel a little less
00:25:30.220 --> 00:25:36.100
lonely and a lot more empowered.
The link is in the show notes. Enjoy!
00:25:36.860 --> 00:25:39.340
Many thanks to Rew,
my executive producer, for
00:25:39.340 --> 00:25:42.300
additional writing on this episode.
And as always,
00:25:42.300 --> 00:25:46.620
thank you for listening by.









