"Such a Good Girl" | pet loss, grief and finding presence through loss

WEBVTT - This file has cues.

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Hey, how's it going?

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You're listening to the final episode of season four of Something Shifted.

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If you're new here, there's loads to catch up on.

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Today's story belongs to someone we both know.

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Rue.

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I was a ghost.

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I just would walk up the stairs and plop down on our bed and Nova would just lie next to
me.

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In my darkest moments, Nova was there.

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That's next.

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Something shifted is about identity after interruption.

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It's where we tell stories about who we become after a life quake hits and what we tell
ourselves when everything changes.

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And I think you're gonna like it here.

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My name is Sean, and this is Something Shifted.

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Right after this.

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If you're one of those people that believe rest is a luxury, we can't be friends.

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Real change is exhausting, and even when your mind is ready,

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Your body has kept the score and it can't keep up without proper recovery.

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So I've started taking Solal's magnesium glycinate.

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It helps with muscle energy, nervous system support, and I'm honestly feeling a lot less
fatigued.

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You can learn more about Solol and their full range of supplements for healthy aging on
Solal.co.za.

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oh

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They are people in this life that are dog owners.

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They are people who like dogs, and then they are dog people.

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And my wife Ruenda, Rue, is a dog person.

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I don't think I've ever walked past a dog and not felt happier for just having seen a dog.

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When you walk through our front door, you'll be greeted by a photo of a dog licking Roo's
face.

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There are photos of our dogs mounted above our fireplace, our couches are covered in dog
hairs, and there are nine paintings of dogs in the dining room.

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It's one of my favorite things when I end up somewhere where you're not expecting to see a
dog, like at a restaurant, for example, and there's a dog.

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The hardest thing for me is not to get excited about service dogs, because they're
working.

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They wear little vests that say, I'm working.

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How can you not love that?

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Rue has always loved animals.

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And she's had many pets.

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A hamster named Pixie, Jimmy the Goldfish, and two black cats called Lady and Amore.

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But dogs?

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Dogs have always occupied a very special place in her heart.

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I was born into a family with two big dogs, two Dobermans.

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And the first dog she called her own was Jet, the long haired dushant.

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Rue was five when she got Jet.

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and he was the best dog.

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I put him in my pram and I dressed him up as a doll and I pushed him around.

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After Jet passed, the Ordendulls got two more dushents, Journey and Vicky, and they were
still around when Rue and I started dating, so I got to meet them on my first visit to

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George back in twenty ten.

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They were good companions.

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I remember studying formatric exams with them on my bed and I guess it's just it's the
fact that they're part of the memories, even if they're not the core focus of a memory.

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They're just there.

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I'm an only child and dogs were part of my formative years.

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There's something incredibly

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comforting about their presence.

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So I'm happy on my own.

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I'm much happier when I'm on my own with a dog.

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Dogs have just always been part of my story.

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So I knew when I fell in love with this woman that at some point we would have a dog.

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I just thought it would go buy a house, settle in, establish the garden, get a dog.

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Instead, it went something like buy a house and in the period that the transfer is going
through, answer a random call from your wife between songs while you host a radio show.

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So what had happened while I was working?

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Rue and our good friend Joe were leading a field trip for students in an informal
settlement just outside French Hook.

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And all of a sudden there's just this chaos and yelping and a little black flash and a
bunch of kids running with sticks.

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And Joe takes off after them.

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And when I finally caught up with them, Joe had this puppy, this tiny little black ball of
caked fur.

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Now, I wasn't here for this part, but apparently a man showed up followed by a grown dog
that could have been the puppy's mother, which led to a negotiation about taking the puppy

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to a rescue shelter.

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And then as w I turned around, there's this other little puppy looking up at me and looks
like a little wild dog.

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Big ears, bat ears, and stiny and scrawny and scruffy and and then I just said, Well then
we're taking them both.

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Now Ruth swears to me that the intention was to take both puppies to the animal shelter,
but by the time she and Joe got back to the car, those two puppies had become ours.

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I just didn't know it yet.

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And so while we were waiting to move into our new house, we got two dogs.

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And these dogs looked rough, man.

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You could see the cuteness underneath the layers of dirt, but I remember giving them a
bath and I had never seen some of the insects that crawled out of their fur.

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And um so that they were a bit mangy and um petrified.

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They were petrified and they were so hungry.

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We started them off with pro neutro, and they were so hungry they try to eat the plastic
bowls.

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They sort of stood with as much of their little bodies over their bowls to prevent anyone
from taking it.

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So it was a bumpy start for our little family of suddenly four.

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But after a couple of bowls of porridge and another bath, we figured it was time to name
them.

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landed on Nova first and we liked it because it was short and Nova means new and then we
wanted a matching name and I remember scrolling on a website and coming across Nox I think

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it's an old Scottish name that means from the hills and I was like that's great because I
found them on the hills.

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So that's how they became Nox and Nova.

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Two sisters from the same litter, although the differences in appearance and temperament
were very clear, both of them mostly black with brown markings.

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Knox's markings are more caramel brown, and Nova's lighter, sort of a champagne colour,
and a white star on Nova's chest.

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Ooh, they're a mix of many things, but Nox I think has maybe a bit of maybe a bit of husky
and otter.

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In she looks like an otter sometimes.

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Nova looked like a bat crossed with a wild dog when she was a puppy.

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Um, so big ears, big ass ears.

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And when she was older, she stood a bit taller than Nox.

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more terrier, maybe like hunting dog in coming through in her stature.

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Although Nova was the taller of the two, Nox seemed to dominate most of their
interactions.

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Nox would loudly demand attention, while Nova would quietly shove her snout under your
idle hand and get you to scratch her head, then her back, and then her bum.

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So Nox has always been the cuddly one out of the two.

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Where Nova was always a bit more sceptical about everything.

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And if you were ever to scold Nova, she would look so sad and regretful of doing something
wrong.

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You can scold Nox millisecond later she's forgotten that anything happened and she just
continues on her.

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a merry way.

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Um so Nova was a lot more introverted and sensitive and you know, you had to d you had to
earn Nova's trust.

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Like many first time parents dog parents in this case, we set out to raise them right, you
know?

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No human food, no feeding them off the table, no dogs on the couches, no dogs on the beds.

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Well, maybe sometimes on the bed.

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We broke the no dogs on the bed rule when they were about two years old.

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Zoe was six months old at the time and she'd been in hospital for weeks on end.

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And between Rue, her mom, and myself, we would take turns staying over at the hospital,
across the road in an apartment, and visiting our own house.

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So I would only get to be home maybe once a week.

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And I was a ghost.

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And it's like Nova just knew she's wounded.

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I don't even remember eating.

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I just would walk up the stairs and plop down on our bed.

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Nova would just lie next to me.

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In my darkest moments.

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Nova was there.

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Rue held it together for the first couple of years of near death crises with Zoe and the
extended hospital stays.

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She was a rock.

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But when Zoe started getting better, getting healthier, when things were more stable,
that's when Rue started having panic attacks.

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It would always kind of hit me when I would least expect it.

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And for some other reason I always found myself sitting in this gallery, wedged between
the back door and the dishwasher.

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I think I had I just wanted to be in a corner, no nothing could come at me from behind.

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And

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Normally when you sit on the floor and the dogs can access your face, they'll be in it.

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And they will lick and shove their noses in your mouth.

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And whenever I had a mental wobble and I found myself propped between the back door and
the dishwasher, Nova would just come sit next to me.

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And that's where I would find them.

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Rue's face shoved in Nova's fur in the back of the scullery.

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But I knew if Nova was with her, Rue would be okay.

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So as life happened to us, some rules in the Lutz house evolved, like no dogs on the bed
became daytime naps or a group activity.

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Nox' pretty chilled in terms of nap time.

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She's just happy to be included.

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We'll chill at the foot end of the bed, no problems.

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But in time Nova became convinced that her rival spot on the bed is with her head on a
pillow, like a human.

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So there then she just wanted to lie comfortably on her side.

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And once she was snuggled in, no one dared to move.

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We held onto the no dogs on the couches rule for a while and then COVID hit.

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was a moment where I just went, you know what?

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We're all probably going to die.

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So I think the dogs can be on the couch with me now.

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And that is maybe one of the most joyful decisions I've made in my life.

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So this is our story about the incredible joy we have had in sharing our lives with Nova.

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Paper was that dog's kryptonite.

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loved, loved toilet rolls, obsessed with toilet rolls.

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If you were in the toilet and you so happened to use the last piece of toilet paper, a
mile away, she would hear that empty toilet rollicky.

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And if you open the door, there she is, taildoing a little circle swag, ready for her
toilet paper roll.

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And if she's super excited to see you, she would use paper to regulate her emotions.

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So she would go and find a piece of paper and and carry it to you.

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Man, she loved paper.

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And this is also our story about losing our spirit animal, Nova.

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We're not big New Year's Eve people.

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It's one of the nights of the year where we know we're gonna be home to make sure our dogs
are okay.

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So late afternoon, 31 December 2025, we gave the dogs their dinner.

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They're 11 years old.

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So, like the old ladies they are, their dinner has shifted to 4 pm.

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But Nova didn't want to eat.

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and in eleven years I have never seen that dog refuse food.

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You know how it goes.

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Children and pets like waiting for after hours or public holidays to get really ill.

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So Rue decided to take Nova to the vet since it was Wednesday and all vets would probably
be closed right up until the following Monday, january fifth.

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Off they went to the animal hospital near us.

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Waited for everyone.

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Rue and Nova sat for three hours in the waiting room, and I would get running commentary
on all people watching they were doing.

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There was a guy who came in with his very, very sick looking old dog.

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and I had this moment where I thought, you know what, I'm not here to say goodbye to my
dog.

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I will wait.

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So we saw a very young vet, um, very bubbly personality, just like it's probably
gastritis.

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Um, so I'm gonna give you some pain meds and I'm going to give her something for nausea.

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Um

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And then if she's not better in like twenty four, forty eight hours, bring her back.

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So we followed the vet's instructions and got Nova some electrolytes and gave her some
fancy soft food.

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Wait, I should actually say gave both dogs some fancy soft food.

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And then for twenty four hours I think she was alright.

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Um bit ginger not quite herself, but she was eating.

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By the second of January, Nova stopped eating, and it was clear that something serious was
wrong.

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A more subdued Nova and Rue went back to the twenty four hour animal hospital.

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Fortunately they didn't wait long this time around.

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I saw a different vet this time and she's like, Hmm, I see why you're worried.

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Her gums are a bit pale.

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It's older dog, not eating.

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The person who does the sonars is only going to be in tomorrow morning.

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So I think you should take her home with you.

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Bring her in in the morning and then we'll do a abdominal sonar and we'll get a sense of
what's going on.

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The girls came home and things got very quiet.

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Even Knox knew that it was not a day for barking or playing.

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I carried a mattress downstairs for Rue so she could spend the night with Nova.

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This has been the rhythm of our lives.

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In times of crisis we divide and conquer.

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It's how we've navigated long hospital stays and seizures.

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We split up and we just do what needs to get done.

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I don't think I slept at all.

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Um, because Nova would get up every now and again and then like walk to the water bowl and
just stand there.

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And um and then she got onto the mattress with me.

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And I had another good cuddle with her and I made sure to lie very, very still so I didn't
disturb her.

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Rue dropped a very quiet Nova off at the vet the next morning, and we quietly waited for a
diagnosis.

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the third vet.

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And it was really difficult to hear her.

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She had quite a thick accent and the phone line wasn't great.

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She said they've done the sonar and there's a massive cyst on Nova's spleen that has
ruptured.

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So she's bleeding internally.

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There's too much blood, so they can't really see the full extent of the damage or whether
this is the only growth.

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So they don't know if it's benign or um whether it's cancer and so we need to make a
decision now whether they need to to operate and see what's going on, or if we don't want

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to go that route.

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And I said to okay, I'll phone back in in ten minutes.

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We had a terrible decision to make, although it also felt like the decision had been made
for us.

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An emergency invasive procedure with a long post op recovery process when we don't even
know how bad the problem really is.

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And so I phoned the vet back and I said, We're not gonna put her through that.

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And she asked how quickly I could get there and I said, I'm on my way.

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It was another time of crisis for us, and we had to divide and conquer again to make it
through.

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I had to watch Rue Leave to go and do the hardest thing all on her own.

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And I was calm all the way there.

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I go to the reception and I say to them, I'm I'm here for Nova and now there's paperwork.

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And it was so overwhelming because I didn't know that there were so many different things
to choose when your dog dies.

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Do you want the body?

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Do you not want the body?

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Do you want cremation?

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If you want cremation, do you want earn this kind of urn or this kind of urn?

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And I'm like, I'm here because my my dog is dying and I cannot

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believe you're making me go through all of these trivial matters.

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This time around, the messages from the vet's office were very short.

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Here.

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Paperwork.

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Waiting.

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Going to see her now.

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Vet came to fetch me.

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And I was honestly expecting a subdued dog that had I assumed they had to knock her out to
do the sonar, they shaved her belly.

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So what I wasn't expecting was to walk down these passages to a room and she opens the
door and there's Nova, so happy to see me, with a clear, let's get the fuck out of here

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expression on her face.

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The vet offered Rue some alone time with Nova.

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I could just see Nova getting more and more anxious because I'm not she wants to go.

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She doesn't want to be here.

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So I think I probably spent about a minute with her.

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And then I called the vet and I said, I think it's time

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Neither Roo nor I have needed to do this part before.

00:20:55.733 --> 00:21:02.577
For all the animals we have loved, we've never needed to make these decisions, or be
present for these terrible moments.

00:21:03.437 --> 00:21:07.423
I don't know what to expect, since she already had the trip in her paw.

00:21:09.176 --> 00:21:13.825
So the doctor unwinds this long ivy line.

00:21:15.630 --> 00:21:30.674
And she says to me, Okay, so you know, like hold her and Nova just wanted to get away from
this woman, so there was a uh office chair and a desk, and Nova kind of cowered underneath

00:21:30.674 --> 00:21:32.164
the office chair.

00:21:32.490 --> 00:21:38.251
So I kind of was holding her, but not completely, because she didn't want to be held.

00:21:38.371 --> 00:21:41.894
And that's Nova, like she never wanted to be trapped.

00:21:43.394 --> 00:21:49.853
I didn't know that it happened so instantaneously And so she just died.

00:21:49.853 --> 00:21:55.670
She just collapsed half in my arms, half over the wheels of this office chair.

00:21:56.713 --> 00:21:58.024
It's just gone.

00:22:00.150 --> 00:22:02.909
It was just over.

00:22:03.064 --> 00:22:03.877
Yeah.

00:22:05.656 --> 00:22:10.851
They lay Nova down on a blanket, and the vet assured Rue that she'd made the right
decision.

00:22:11.213 --> 00:22:14.556
The operation would have been very risky.

00:22:14.957 --> 00:22:23.847
She would have been in a lot of pain if they managed to save her, and being an older dog,
her recovery would have taken a long time.

00:22:25.029 --> 00:22:26.510
She'd had a good life.

00:22:28.108 --> 00:22:37.242
And only then did I realise why they make you fill in all the paperwork up front so this
was a little side door to this office and I could just walk out.

00:22:37.242 --> 00:22:45.145
I didn't need to go through the the lobby and God bless their soul for doing that because
I barely made it to my car.

00:22:46.526 --> 00:22:50.607
And when I got in the car I just I screamed.

00:22:50.768 --> 00:22:52.968
And I kept saying, I'm so sorry.

00:22:52.968 --> 00:22:54.079
I'm so sorry.

00:22:54.079 --> 00:22:55.129
Sorry.

00:22:58.986 --> 00:23:05.941
I'm sorry I felt like I betrayed her.

00:23:07.798 --> 00:23:10.448
She thought I was there to take her home.

00:23:20.942 --> 00:23:27.105
twenty twenty six has been a quiet year in the Lewitz house, a year of contraction.

00:23:27.745 --> 00:23:38.990
The first couple of days without Nova, none of us quite knew where to sit, because no
matter how we positioned ourselves on the couches, the balance was somehow off.

00:23:39.818 --> 00:23:44.040
I had n never been in this house without both of them.

00:23:44.720 --> 00:23:52.183
For eleven years they were just the consistent presence in the house.

00:23:52.764 --> 00:24:00.458
As you just get used to the two of them as a a morphous shape, but they're always
together.

00:24:00.458 --> 00:24:04.058
As much as they sometimes annoyed each other.

00:24:04.058 --> 00:24:07.050
It was very rare for one of them to

00:24:07.564 --> 00:24:13.316
be in a room and the other one not follow, mainly 'cause they were worried that the other
one would get some treats.

00:24:14.676 --> 00:24:16.595
I would find myself looking for her.

00:24:16.595 --> 00:24:19.674
I would anticipate her being somewhere.

00:24:19.674 --> 00:24:32.222
Um, I would hear Noxes coming up the stairs and then I would stay with my door open,
anticipating Nova to follow, and she wouldn't come.

00:24:32.974 --> 00:24:37.321
All a sudden it was one dog bed, one food bowl.

00:24:37.743 --> 00:24:46.077
It was especially hard for Rue who had made a massive career change and was starting a
work-from-home job the very next day.

00:24:46.830 --> 00:24:58.876
Had been so pumped at the prospect of working from home and that meant working with Nova
by my side because she was my shadow.

00:24:59.296 --> 00:25:05.429
And I had set up my entire home office so that Nova would be comfortable.

00:25:06.620 --> 00:25:10.642
again, she was grumpy, so you needed to make sure she

00:25:11.072 --> 00:25:17.944
had space to lie and that you could scratch her but also not startle her with any sudden
movements.

00:25:17.944 --> 00:25:27.867
So I had set up like a little ottoman next to me so that she could lie there and I would
be able to reach her ears when I'm in Teams calls and I was so amped.

00:25:28.348 --> 00:25:35.330
And then I had to start this very scary chapter without my shadow.

00:25:36.448 --> 00:25:41.421
At the time of this recording, we've made it through five months without Nova.

00:25:42.188 --> 00:25:44.099
The house is different.

00:25:46.822 --> 00:25:50.264
no one comes to fetch the empty toilet rolls anymore.

00:25:51.566 --> 00:25:58.071
The garden is there's less poop on my plants.

00:25:58.492 --> 00:26:01.174
Nova was a nervous pooper.

00:26:01.174 --> 00:26:07.039
When she wanted to poop, her poop mustn't fall directly on the floor.

00:26:07.640 --> 00:26:09.561
So she would

00:26:10.458 --> 00:26:16.112
Circle my succulents, those were the best toilets seats for her.

00:26:16.112 --> 00:26:21.905
And she would poo on a plant all the time.

00:26:22.138 --> 00:26:30.391
And I remember about a week after she died walking in the garden and I found a turd on a
leaf.

00:26:30.391 --> 00:26:31.652
And I cried.

00:26:31.652 --> 00:26:35.674
I was like, it's the last Nova turd.

00:26:36.600 --> 00:26:41.216
We've all needed to grow around the gaping, nova shaped hole.

00:26:42.419 --> 00:26:52.333
Knox has taken up the role of shadow companion and the emotional support dog, so Rue is
never alone at her desk, and never has to take a Teams call on her own.

00:26:56.174 --> 00:27:05.321
There's something about the unconditional acceptance of a dog that no human can ever
really give you.

00:27:05.354 --> 00:27:16.211
I'd like to think we love each other unconditionally, but there's something about a dog
that allows you to be your truest self.

00:27:16.211 --> 00:27:24.134
I mean, they don't care whether you've swindled your taxes or whether you

00:27:24.308 --> 00:27:25.989
made a blunder in a meeting.

00:27:25.989 --> 00:27:28.881
They don't care about any of those things.

00:27:29.241 --> 00:27:32.763
That does not change how they see you.

00:27:33.338 --> 00:27:40.188
I think that's why they are such good companions when you're going through something hard.

00:27:40.188 --> 00:27:45.992
Because you can think whatever you need to think and it doesn't scare them.

00:27:45.992 --> 00:27:49.354
They bear witness to everything with no judgment.

00:27:49.846 --> 00:27:53.070
And that's what Nova gave us for eleven years.

00:27:53.070 --> 00:28:03.993
Her quiet, non-judgmental presence and unconditional love that would squeeze in between
your back and the backrest of an office chair, or sit with you in the scullery until you

00:28:03.993 --> 00:28:05.965
were ready to face the world again.

00:28:06.646 --> 00:28:09.707
I think that's what she is still teaching me.

00:28:10.068 --> 00:28:16.150
Is be present with your own life.

00:28:16.490 --> 00:28:19.151
Be present with the people that you love.

00:28:20.372 --> 00:28:22.473
Be in those moments.

00:28:23.914 --> 00:28:32.757
Even when those moments are flippin' scary, even when those moments are propped against
the back door in the middle of an anxiety spiral.

00:28:32.757 --> 00:28:34.338
Be present in it.

00:28:35.202 --> 00:28:39.988
Before Knox and Nova, I liked dogs and I wanted to be a dog owner.

00:28:40.229 --> 00:28:46.918
But now, for having shared eleven years of my life with them, I am a dog person.

00:28:47.424 --> 00:29:00.103
When you lose a dog, I think when you get past all the sadness and them missing them and I
don't know that you get past it, maybe you never do, but there's just there's this deep

00:29:00.103 --> 00:29:14.453
appreciation to have experienced a connection beyond words, to have a soul connection with
another living, breathing entity.

00:29:14.833 --> 00:29:16.134
It's holy.

00:29:16.206 --> 00:29:17.987
It's holy to have that.

00:29:18.628 --> 00:29:26.253
And Nova will always be one of the best chapters of my life.

00:29:26.714 --> 00:29:28.835
She was the best dog.

00:29:29.776 --> 00:29:31.737
She was such a good girl.

00:29:33.859 --> 00:29:35.980
Do we need to get to work, Nova?

00:29:36.081 --> 00:29:38.082
Do we need to do some work?

00:29:43.736 --> 00:29:46.317
Okay, we'll we'll do some work now.

00:29:51.695 --> 00:29:58.501
A free way to support Something Shifted is to leave a five-star rating and review on Apple
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00:29:58.501 --> 00:30:06.368
It's a chance to tell us what you love about the podcast, what you've enjoyed about the
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00:30:06.368 --> 00:30:07.048
too.

00:30:07.048 --> 00:30:10.812
Even a simple message like keep shifting is greatly appreciated.

00:30:10.812 --> 00:30:13.554
Subscribe so you never miss a human-centered story.

00:30:13.554 --> 00:30:18.132
Find us at something shifted.co.ca where you can send a voice message.

00:30:18.132 --> 00:30:20.943
Or recommend a story that you think we should tell.

00:30:20.943 --> 00:30:30.607
You can also check out the show notes for Something Shifted soundtrack playlist, which is
a compilation of songs we've listened to while making this season of Something Shifted.

00:30:30.607 --> 00:30:35.349
They're songs that make us feel a little less lonely and a lot more empowered.

00:30:35.349 --> 00:30:40.031
Many thanks to Rue, my executive producer, for additional writing on this episode.

00:30:40.031 --> 00:30:42.732
And as always, thank you for listening.

00:30:42.732 --> 00:30:47.534
We'll be back with season five and a fresh batch of stories soon.

00:30:47.862 --> 00:30:50.463
Until then, keep shifting.