"My second greatest blessing." | grief and healing after losing a parent and finding meaning after loss


Celest Anthony spent four years watching her father disappear - piece by piece, hospital stay by hospital stay - before she said goodbye in 2025.
This is a deeply personal story about anticipatory grief, the slow loss of a parent to chronic illness, and what it means to grieve someone who is still alive. It explores Churg-Strauss syndrome, caregiver identity, and the emotional complexity of standing in a doctor's room asking questions you never thought you'd have to ask.
It's a story about love, faith, and the unexpected gifts that loss can leave behind. This is a story about losing a parent and discovering, slowly, who you are without them. Listen to Something Shifted: The Soundtrack on Spotify
About Something Shifted
Something Shifted is a documentary-style, narrative podcast about identity after interruption. It tells stories of life before and after pivotal moments of change, where familiar structures fall away and new ways of being slowly emerge. Hosted by South African broadcaster Sean Loots, the podcast explores grief, resilience, transformation, and the lived experience of becoming someone different after life changes unexpectedly.
These are stories of life after interruption, told with honesty, detail, and emotional depth.
Listen to more episodes
Explore more narrative stories of identity, resilience, and life transition wherever you listen to podcasts. Listen to Something Shifted: The Soundtrack on Spotify
00:00 - Intro - Today's story belongs to Celest
01:27 - Visualizing optimism
02:02 - Navigating life as the odd one out in her family of three
05:57 - Diagnosis and the countdown clock
10:04 - Hospital stays
12:19 - The shift from caregiver to decision-maker
17:41 - The countdown is over
23:34 - Acceptance and resilience
24:48 - Rediscovering herself
00:00:00.098 --> 00:00:02.320
Hey, how's it going?
00:00:02.401 --> 00:00:07.105
You're listening to episode nine in season four of Something Shifted.
00:00:07.206 --> 00:00:11.129
If you're new here, there's plenty more for you to binge.
00:00:12.231 --> 00:00:15.124
Today's story belongs to Celest.
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I had preempted my life quick as soon as I was maybe twelve or thirteen, going, Hey, I'm a
only child.
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If both my parents die, I'm an orphan.
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That's next.
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Something shifted is about identity after interruption.
00:00:35.761 --> 00:00:44.384
It's where we tell stories about who we become after a life quake hits, and what we tell
ourselves when everything changes.
00:00:44.464 --> 00:00:48.126
And I think you're gonna like it here.
00:00:48.446 --> 00:00:52.207
My name is Sean, and this is Something Shifted.
00:00:52.888 --> 00:00:54.248
Right after this.
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If you're one of those people that believe rest is a luxury.
00:00:58.242 --> 00:00:59.582
We can't be friends.
00:00:59.663 --> 00:01:06.947
Real change is exhausting, and even when your mind is ready, your body has kept the score
and it can't keep up without proper recovery.
00:01:06.947 --> 00:01:10.189
So I've started taking Solol's magnesium glycinate.
00:01:10.189 --> 00:01:16.133
It helps with muscle energy, nervous system support, and I'm honestly feeling a lot less
fatigued.
00:01:16.133 --> 00:01:22.856
You can learn more about Solal and their full range of supplements for healthy aging on
Solal.co.za
00:01:27.372 --> 00:01:30.343
I want you to picture a symbol for optimism.
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Go ahead, close your eyes for a second.
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Did you see a sunflower?
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Big, bright, turning its face towards the sun?
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For me, that's what I think of when I imagine unfailing positivity.
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And sunflowers are a big part of Celest's story.
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Only look forward with optimism.
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During this episode, Celest is our sunflower, of Sal ek se n Sonneblom.
00:02:02.552 --> 00:02:07.118
Celest Anthony grew up in Stellenbosch in the nineteen nineties.
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I know that sounds like ages ago.
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I come from a big f family, dad's side, huge.
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I've got 18 cousins.
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I'm smackbang in the middle, number nine.
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And on my mom's side, I've got six cousins.
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But as a unit and ourselves, it's my mom, my dad and me.
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That's all I've ever known.
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I'm an only child.
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And Celest had the best of both worlds growing up the attention of both parents and the
buzz of a big family.
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I love being an only child.
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It's so much fun.
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I'm uh no lack of socialization because I've got big families on both sides.
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In her family of three, Celest was the odd one out.
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Her parents are not loud people, but Celest is Oh it turned into a running joke with her
mum, especially when Celest chose a very public, very loud career in radio.
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She always says Celise you're adopted.
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Because you're you're not like, you know, you when I stepped into this industry, she's
like, you know, I don't talk and don't you ever call me from the radio and don't you ever
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put a camera in my face or whatever.
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She's like, Please don't involve me in this.
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Celest cut her teeth in community radio in Stellenbosch, but even as she worked her way up
toward commercial radio, she never let go of the other thing pulling at her.
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When someone asks me what I do for a job, what I do for work, I say don't confuse work
with what my job is.
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My job is radio, but my work is what I was put on this earth to do, and that is people.
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While she was broadcasting on Goodhub FM, she was also working her way through a social
work degree at UNISA.
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One broadcast and one assignment at a time.
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Celest's discipline to work hard at a career while studying comes from the examples set by
her parents.
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Her dad was a military man.
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And so throughout my life I call him puppy, I call him Colonel.
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After his time in the military, Andrew Anthony became the CEO of Business Against Crime
South Africa.
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Well, I always joke, I go, My dad was a spy.
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You see all those movies, my dad was a spy.
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Because Andrew worked away from home for many months at a time, Celest's mom had to hold
the fort on her own.
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she was independent.
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She's um really such a strong individual.
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Two strong, determined, somewhat quiet parents, raising a strong, determined, not afraid
of the spotlight daughter.
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listen to people with stories of trauma of you know parents and I go, Oh I struck the
lotto when it came to parents.
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It was like they were born to be parents.
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And it's funny because my dad in the greater scheme of things didn't actually want to be a
dad.
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It was not in his plan.
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But when he stepped into the role, I cannot tell you one bad thing.
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He did it so naturally, so confidently they just led by example.
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Celest's dad was also a cornerstone in the development of her faith.
00:05:03.505 --> 00:05:06.250
Is it fair to say she was a daddy's girl?
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Since I was born my mum said, You're an Anthony, you're nothing like us And I was very
proud of that.
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As much as Celest enjoyed being an only child, she also had a quiet unease in the back of
her mind.
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I had preempted my life quick as soon as I was maybe twelve or thirteen, going, Hey, I'm a
only child and at some point in this lifetime I'm going to lose my parents And it doesn't
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matter how old you are, if both my parents die, I'm an orphan.
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Being the bright optimist she is, Celest tried not to dwell on this thought for long, and
instead soaked up the good times she had with her tight family unit of three.
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But life, as Celest knew it would, had other plans.
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My life quick is I think the correct answer would be my dad's passing.
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Twelfth january, twenty twenty five.
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But it's not that.
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The life quick happened in April twenty twenty one when he was first diagnosed.
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The first symptom was so insidious.
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Sore feet.
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He just came home one day, he went, My feet really he came home from work, he said, my
feet hurts.
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Uh like they really hurt.
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They hurt all day.
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I went, Is it the shoes?
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He said, No, it's not the shoes.
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I'm gonna go lay down.
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But the next day he still didn't feel any better.
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And the next is like, I don't think I'm gonna go to work, I don't feel well.
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He keeps laying down, he's fatigued, he's tired, his body starts aching and it's in the
height of covert.
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April twenty twenty one was a hell of a time in Cape Town, South Africa.
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We were in the throes of the second wave of COVID nineteen.
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The vaccine had only reached our shores in January that year, and hospitals were still
overflowing with COVID patients.
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The death toll was still rising.
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In short, April twenty twenty one was not a good time to get sick and need a diagnosis for
anything that wasn't COVID.
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Eventually, Celest's dad was admitted to the military hospital in Weinberg.
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I think it was about three weeks in, uh, we finally got a diagnosis, right?
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And they said this thing is called Churg-Strauss syndrome.
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And the reason why it was so hard to detect is there's basically w only one other person
in South Africa who has this diagnosis who is Theuns Stoffbach former Springbok.
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Um, he's the only other person.
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Churg-Strauss syndrome is a rare autoimmune disease where the body essentially turns on
itself.
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It targets blood vessels, which causes inflammation that can quietly spread to the heart,
the lungs, the nerves.
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It often hides behind asthma for years, before anyone thinks to look deeper.
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we both had asthma all our lives.
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And so he would have this horrible cough and we had gone to so many doctors for the cough.
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Uh we thought at we were like, You definitely have T B at some point.
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And so that already was the start of the Churg-Strauss syndrome.
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For a long time Celest had prayed for a diagnosis, but when they eventually got one, it
didn't make things any easier.
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And then I go Google, right?
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And Google goes, it's autoimmune disease.
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There's no cure for it.
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they can manage it in certain ways to lessen your pain.
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It affects different people differently.
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Um, the lifespan of the very few cases that we do have is five years.
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And then I go, five years.
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You know?
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But still you remain hopeful because we got a diagnosis and we will figure it out.
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With the diagnosis came understanding, a treatment plan and medication.
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So ultimately a bit of hope.
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We can manage this.
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But somewhere in the background, the worst countdown had started.
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What followed was a slow unraveling marked by multiple hospital stays, changing medication
regimes, and new symptoms.
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But over the course of the four years, month by month, pieces of this man that I once knew
existed is being stripped away from me.
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So the first thing is, you know, the the pain in his feet, which was for again different
people with this syndrome experience it differently, but for him it was really in his
00:09:55.940 --> 00:09:56.590
feet.
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So we become we we then now we have the drivers.
00:10:00.922 --> 00:10:04.354
Um and then every every
00:10:04.716 --> 00:10:11.042
maybe four months I try back and I check and I go, Okay, you can't not you can't do you
can't stand for too long, right?
00:10:11.042 --> 00:10:13.214
He can't walk properly, so now we have cratches.
00:10:13.412 --> 00:10:17.281
But Colonel Andrew Anthony took it in his stride.
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The optimism of my father is unmatched.
00:10:22.158 --> 00:10:28.469
Like he would still cook and we'll put him a high chair in front of the stove and he'd
still want to do that.
00:10:28.469 --> 00:10:31.533
He had still worked up until twenty twenty three.
00:10:32.108 --> 00:10:38.773
And so with a good dose of optimism and faith, the Anthonyes kept on keeping on.
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The worst possible routines became their normal.
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From twenty twenty one until t twenty twenty three, presented the same way.
00:10:49.663 --> 00:10:54.698
Like you'd go into hospital once in a while and he'll come back and we'd figure it out and
he stripped away a little.
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I was almost optimistic that we would be the case that's maybe different, right?
00:11:01.792 --> 00:11:03.492
Because you're hopeful.
00:11:04.594 --> 00:11:11.158
And then twenty twenty four came around, he goes back into hospital and it's different.
00:11:11.522 --> 00:11:13.964
Celest tried to anticipate things.
00:11:14.566 --> 00:11:26.278
Like a twelve-year-old that anticipated being an orphan at some point, her Google searches
of this rare syndrome meant she knew that organ failure might be on the cards.
00:11:26.678 --> 00:11:33.765
And in February twenty twenty four, um, they were like, Okay, you're in kidney failure,
okay?
00:11:33.765 --> 00:11:35.687
But you're still okay.
00:11:35.687 --> 00:11:36.758
And then we're like, Okay, great.
00:11:36.758 --> 00:11:43.634
'Cause any positive word there is, you hang on to that.
00:11:44.130 --> 00:11:50.260
As the presentation of the disease became more serious, another change started happening.
00:11:50.510 --> 00:11:58.124
Suddenly I'm advocating for him and I am speaking on behalf of him, this man that I would
ask everything, right?
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I didn't make any decision without consulting him.
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'Cause he was not an emotional decision maker.
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He was very practical with every decision.
00:12:05.458 --> 00:12:13.803
And now I am sitting in front of doctors and nurses having to do what I didn't know was
what he was training me for my entire life for.
00:12:14.323 --> 00:12:16.845
Cause my mom, she's soft and she's sweet.
00:12:16.845 --> 00:12:19.386
Um
00:12:19.852 --> 00:12:21.983
And she goes, You have to go with because I don't know what to ask.
00:12:21.983 --> 00:12:25.145
And what I really want to say is I don't know what to ask either.
00:12:25.505 --> 00:12:27.947
My dad needs to ask this, right?
00:12:27.947 --> 00:12:34.610
But I'm sitting behind closed doors with doctors having conversations and asking questions
I'd never thought I'd be able to say.
00:12:34.610 --> 00:12:36.431
I say, Hey, how long do we have?
00:12:36.431 --> 00:12:37.452
Right?
00:12:38.613 --> 00:12:43.966
And they say you okay, he's in kidney failure, uh, but he doesn't have to go on dialysis
just yet.
00:12:43.966 --> 00:12:45.337
And then you're hopeful.
00:12:45.337 --> 00:12:48.398
And then two months later, like, hey, we have to start dialysis.
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The role reversal to advocate and decision maker was not easy.
00:12:55.830 --> 00:13:00.655
I'd never up until twenty twenty four seen my father cry.
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He had gone to so many hospitals and at the time he was at I forget the hospital in
Claymont, but he was at that hospital and he cried on my shoulder.
00:13:13.069 --> 00:13:14.910
And that took me out like
00:13:17.934 --> 00:13:23.015
Took me out after the fact because in front of him I would present as how he presented to
me all my life.
00:13:23.015 --> 00:13:23.976
Okay.
00:13:24.516 --> 00:13:26.836
I said, You have to eat.
00:13:26.917 --> 00:13:28.817
You're getting a lot of medication.
00:13:28.817 --> 00:13:30.418
I know you don't want to do this.
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It's only temporary.
00:13:32.158 --> 00:13:32.818
Right?
00:13:32.818 --> 00:13:34.359
It's not only temporary.
00:13:34.359 --> 00:13:42.401
But to make him understand in that point, feeding him, celebrating for three spoons of
yogurt.
00:13:42.401 --> 00:13:42.941
Yes.
00:13:42.941 --> 00:13:43.981
Right.
00:13:44.882 --> 00:13:46.602
All of these things.
00:13:47.756 --> 00:13:48.517
Had prepared me.
00:13:48.517 --> 00:13:54.175
'Cause I don't want to see you like this and I more than I don't want to see you like
this.
00:13:54.175 --> 00:13:57.088
I know you do not want to be this person.
00:13:58.606 --> 00:14:03.968
And so twenty twenty four was a blur of hospital stays and dialysis treatments.
00:14:04.309 --> 00:14:10.111
Because of the nature of this autoimmune disease, dialysis was not a simple treatment.
00:14:10.552 --> 00:14:16.174
It would ease the pressure on Andrew's kidneys, but then another issue would rear its
head.
00:14:16.974 --> 00:14:25.281
For the entire 2024, he would be in hospital three months at a time, four months at a
time, then come home.
00:14:25.421 --> 00:14:30.045
And I tell you the celebration we have every time he comes home was crazy.
00:14:32.347 --> 00:14:35.389
and then he'd be at home for two weeks.
00:14:36.811 --> 00:14:39.553
And when I say at home for two weeks, it wasn't even a good two weeks.
00:14:39.553 --> 00:14:45.378
Throughout twenty twenty four, we thought it was the end many times, and we had been
prepared that it is the end many times.
00:14:46.518 --> 00:14:49.739
Nonetheless, Celest held on to hope, and
00:14:50.062 --> 00:15:03.130
I should also tell you that in twenty twenty four, as the latter part where things were
really going bad, I said, God please, please tell me everything is gonna be okay, right?
00:15:03.411 --> 00:15:04.471
Show me in signs.
00:15:04.471 --> 00:15:06.473
Let's you and I decide on a symbol.
00:15:06.473 --> 00:15:08.774
And our symbol's gonna be sunflowers.
00:15:10.104 --> 00:15:11.204
Yeah,
00:15:14.612 --> 00:15:19.837
In January of 2025, Celest did a rare thing.
00:15:20.321 --> 00:15:22.345
She decided to take leave.
00:15:22.978 --> 00:15:23.890
I never take vacation.
00:15:23.890 --> 00:15:24.672
I'm a freelancer.
00:15:24.672 --> 00:15:26.626
You know I don't get paid if I'm not there.
00:15:26.626 --> 00:15:27.473
But I go, okay, wait.
00:15:27.473 --> 00:15:34.602
I'm gonna take holiday from the thirteenth of of Jan, which is a Monday, to like the next
Monday.
00:15:34.680 --> 00:15:41.685
She was kicking off a holiday by attending a wedding on the West Coast, and was making a
weekend of it with her good friend Katua.
00:15:43.522 --> 00:15:52.843
The Thursday before I leave the wedding, I'm in the mall and this woman, she's going down
the escalator in front of me and on the back of her shirt is a sunflower and it says, It
00:15:52.843 --> 00:15:54.114
will be okay.
00:15:56.258 --> 00:15:58.407
Father's not gonna die, it's gonna be okay, right?
00:15:59.758 --> 00:16:04.464
At the time her dad was in hospital, which was nothing new to the Anthony.
00:16:04.665 --> 00:16:10.953
Celest's mum reassured her that it was okay to go, and that her cousin was around to help
with driving back and forth.
00:16:11.615 --> 00:16:16.692
So Celest Catur and her husband Francois headed off to the wedding.
00:16:17.614 --> 00:16:20.366
And this Sunday morning I wake up really early.
00:16:20.366 --> 00:16:21.647
I don't wake up early for anything.
00:16:21.647 --> 00:16:23.418
I'm a really late sleeper.
00:16:24.640 --> 00:16:31.926
And I again, it's not a norm for me, but I put on my phone and I put on praise and worship
music.
00:16:31.926 --> 00:16:37.250
And for the first time ever, I'm like I'm on the floor in this Airbnb shh.
00:16:45.462 --> 00:16:47.032
A scream that I've never heard.
00:16:47.032 --> 00:16:47.814
Come on.
00:16:51.670 --> 00:16:55.953
And I've got a no communication from my mum, so there's no reason for this reaction.
00:16:56.814 --> 00:17:01.548
And I'm singing and I'm shouting and I'm praising and I'm on the floor.
00:17:04.619 --> 00:17:07.397
And I get up from the phone, my phone my phone rings.
00:17:09.088 --> 00:17:23.083
And I look and it's my cousin who had moved in with my mom to assist in the driving and I
knew and she said, Celest, the doctor's called and they suggest that you guys come back.
00:17:23.083 --> 00:17:24.314
You come see your dad.
00:17:24.314 --> 00:17:26.684
I said Okay.
00:17:27.045 --> 00:17:30.998
And that moment when I said, Okay
00:17:31.914 --> 00:17:39.265
My fifteen year old self and everything I had imagined about losing my dad and that I will
not survive that.
00:17:41.218 --> 00:17:47.740
Sitting in silence as they made their way from Langaban to Kruteskir Hospital, Francois
turned the radio on.
00:17:48.101 --> 00:17:52.902
And the first song they played was Josh Groben's You Raise Me Up.
00:17:53.623 --> 00:17:58.845
This is the same song Celest's dad had chosen to play at his mother's funeral.
00:17:58.885 --> 00:18:01.105
Over and over again.
00:18:01.496 --> 00:18:03.965
We've got two of my dad's dying today.
00:18:08.012 --> 00:18:10.547
Celest's family were waiting for her at the hospital.
00:18:10.790 --> 00:18:17.025
They tried to prepare her because by now her dad was hooked up to a lot of tubes and was
semicomatose.
00:18:17.558 --> 00:18:28.081
I said don't even worry and I walked in, not a tear in my eye, braver than I've ever been
before.
00:18:29.890 --> 00:18:32.510
Braver than I'd been in the entire twenty four week.
00:18:32.510 --> 00:18:37.653
And I came around that corner and w like in my thickest voice I said, Colonel Puppy.
00:18:40.650 --> 00:18:47.902
And he well, I walked to his bedside and I swear with the last energy he had he tried to
open his eyes for
00:18:50.056 --> 00:19:02.332
And the doctor came over to me and he said, we have been ki they've basically had given
him adrenaline to keep him alive for me to get there.
00:19:02.426 --> 00:19:07.424
And he said, But if his level goes down again, we won't do anything to assist.
00:19:08.364 --> 00:19:10.276
The countdown was over.
00:19:11.780 --> 00:19:13.602
It was time to say goodbye.
00:19:14.488 --> 00:19:15.172
And I stood by him.
00:19:15.172 --> 00:19:19.051
'Cause though he was the bravest man I've ever known in my life.
00:19:21.420 --> 00:19:24.873
I think dying to anyone must be scary.
00:19:25.275 --> 00:19:29.479
And I do not want you to leave this earth with m my crying in your ear.
00:19:29.479 --> 00:19:31.702
And I stood with him in his ear and I said
00:19:33.642 --> 00:19:36.524
You are the best man that I've ever known.
00:19:37.544 --> 00:19:39.467
And I said, And this is why I'm single.
00:19:39.467 --> 00:19:41.528
Because no one compares.
00:19:42.290 --> 00:19:44.691
And I said, Thank you for everything.
00:19:46.093 --> 00:19:47.854
And I go, come visit me.
00:19:47.854 --> 00:19:49.356
And I said, everybody, do visit me.
00:19:49.356 --> 00:19:50.737
Don't give me a fright.
00:19:50.737 --> 00:19:54.550
And I said, Come visit me in rainbows and butterflies and any way you wish.
00:19:54.550 --> 00:19:57.062
Just c please communicate with me.
00:19:57.783 --> 00:19:59.524
And we stood there.
00:20:00.762 --> 00:20:01.782
And
00:20:02.496 --> 00:20:03.797
The machines are beeping.
00:20:03.797 --> 00:20:05.948
It's all in the background.
00:20:06.149 --> 00:20:07.510
It's beeping.
00:20:07.610 --> 00:20:16.908
And then the d I see the doctor come over and he goes, Your dad's le busy leaving and he
made a slight pff sound and he said, That's your dad saying goodbye
00:20:19.604 --> 00:20:30.133
And I kept talking and I kept saying I'm okay, I am fine, you have taught me literally
everything that I ever need to know.
00:20:30.234 --> 00:20:32.938
I could not have asked for a better father.
00:20:35.656 --> 00:20:42.871
And um we then called the rest of our family and we prayed, you know, and everyone was
really sad.
00:20:42.871 --> 00:20:43.852
But I didn't cry.
00:20:43.852 --> 00:20:49.695
I don't even know what you're supposed I don't know what you're supposed to do.
00:20:50.266 --> 00:20:53.178
I go in and make a cup and of course and then we must leave.
00:20:53.178 --> 00:20:57.100
You m what do you mean we must leave the hospital and just leave him here, right?
00:20:57.841 --> 00:21:04.906
And you know, when someone dies, they're Andrew Anthony until their last breath and then
they become the body.
00:21:06.486 --> 00:21:13.277
Celest and her mom had to move on with the mundane, yet practical tasks of planning a
funeral.
00:21:14.284 --> 00:21:20.399
I sat with my mother and I said, Listen, um, we were luckily only two planning this
funeral, but I don't want this to be a sad funeral.
00:21:20.759 --> 00:21:22.760
Because we are moving forward with hope.
00:21:22.781 --> 00:21:26.724
And that is exactly what we our theme around the funeral was.
00:21:26.724 --> 00:21:28.525
We are moving forward with hope.
00:21:33.134 --> 00:21:38.998
I want share with you that Celest and I recorded this conversation eight months to the day
of her father's passing.
00:21:40.039 --> 00:21:46.863
The room was filled with raw sadness, evident by the sniffs and tear streaks on both our
faces.
00:21:47.564 --> 00:21:56.800
But there's also a bit of distance for Celest, a little bit of time that had allowed for
her to make sense of the first bit of life without her puppy.
00:21:57.880 --> 00:22:00.581
throughout the journey of planning the funeral and a and all of that.
00:22:00.581 --> 00:22:07.543
Uh there was a little bit of gossips and stuff, I I believe, or whisperings, I shouldn't
say gossips of people think I'm not grieving.
00:22:07.543 --> 00:22:15.415
Okay, and I'm not crying enough and I'm not presenting in the way people um assume and
have seen before.
00:22:15.415 --> 00:22:19.456
Because we only call it grief sometimes once the person has passed.
00:22:19.936 --> 00:22:23.777
But I feel like the true grieving is working through the process already.
00:22:24.237 --> 00:22:27.118
You know, they say there's these five stages of grief.
00:22:27.660 --> 00:22:30.775
That five stages of grief happened in twenty twenty four.
00:22:30.775 --> 00:22:32.297
I had bargained.
00:22:32.297 --> 00:22:37.045
I had said I will do this, I will quit my career, I will look after him full time.
00:22:37.045 --> 00:22:39.948
I will do whatever it requires me to do.
00:22:40.250 --> 00:22:43.604
If you push him through on the other side, I promise you.
00:22:45.122 --> 00:22:51.006
The denial like my dad is this man of God who has led so many other people to God.
00:22:51.347 --> 00:22:53.568
How dare you choose him?
00:22:54.890 --> 00:22:55.551
Right?
00:22:55.551 --> 00:23:00.044
And why, even if you choose him, why this suffering?
00:23:03.210 --> 00:23:09.213
That had all happened prior to the death of my father, the five stages, 'cause it was
preemptive grief.
00:23:10.353 --> 00:23:13.555
The final I think stage of grief is acceptance.
00:23:14.275 --> 00:23:18.377
To me that was him closing the his eyes uh on the twelfth of January.
00:23:19.237 --> 00:23:20.898
Immediate acceptance.
00:23:21.578 --> 00:23:34.316
Immediate acceptance might sound too easy, but the five year journey with her dad's
illness had taught Celest to stand her ground, like Andrew Anthony's daughter would.
00:23:34.720 --> 00:23:37.893
Open your arms up to grief and accept it.
00:23:38.514 --> 00:23:44.959
Because being resistant to it will take you down a rabbit hole that you don't want to be
in.
00:23:45.721 --> 00:23:48.383
You gotta work through the paces.
00:23:48.764 --> 00:23:51.616
You have you can't be resistant to grief.
00:23:52.534 --> 00:24:04.181
And although she could accept her dad's passing, Celest still had a lot of reckoning to do
with herself, and all the versions of Celest she had been and lost and gained in the five
00:24:04.181 --> 00:24:06.242
years leading up to this moment.
00:24:06.262 --> 00:24:10.624
And so my life has been before my dad's diagnosis and after, right?
00:24:10.785 --> 00:24:14.927
I think my general disposition is happiness, cheerful.
00:24:14.927 --> 00:24:18.339
Um and b outwardly it portrayed that.
00:24:18.339 --> 00:24:20.170
But I didn't show up as the friend I needed to.
00:24:20.170 --> 00:24:22.571
I didn't show up as the girlfriend I needed to be.
00:24:22.711 --> 00:24:25.482
I didn't show up as the daughter that I needed to be.
00:24:25.482 --> 00:24:27.934
I didn't I dressed for having clothes on my body.
00:24:27.934 --> 00:24:28.725
I didn't put on makeup.
00:24:28.725 --> 00:24:29.445
I didn't anything.
00:24:29.445 --> 00:24:31.776
I d I was in total survival mode.
00:24:31.937 --> 00:24:34.538
And then for the people that
00:24:35.106 --> 00:24:43.489
got to know me that I had met in the time of my dad's sickness, but I hope you understand
that you met the worst version of me.
00:24:45.314 --> 00:24:46.249
Right.
00:24:48.556 --> 00:24:52.173
And there's so much more to me than you never got to experience.
00:24:53.346 --> 00:24:56.971
Her journey back to herself is slow going.
00:24:57.728 --> 00:25:05.950
And now after my father's death, what I thought first was I get to go back to five years
ago, Celest, I get to read books again.
00:25:05.950 --> 00:25:07.921
Hadn't read a book in five years.
00:25:08.061 --> 00:25:10.012
I get to do all these things that I used to love.
00:25:10.012 --> 00:25:18.464
And then I very quickly realised, that version of me no longer exists and she will never
exist.
00:25:18.464 --> 00:25:20.295
And now I'm someone without their father.
00:25:20.295 --> 00:25:24.046
Uh they call it the dead dads club that I'm now a part of.
00:25:24.046 --> 00:25:25.306
And um
00:25:27.154 --> 00:25:32.396
I started rebuilding my new self.
00:25:32.637 --> 00:25:35.298
I'm discovering new things about myself.
00:25:35.398 --> 00:25:38.119
I keep saying, I'm defrosting, I'm defrosting.
00:25:38.159 --> 00:25:44.372
Defrosting is one word because it's a slow journey, but it's it's it's happening.
00:25:46.892 --> 00:25:48.646
Didn't think of this word before.
00:25:54.580 --> 00:25:56.215
But it's little kilt.
00:25:59.104 --> 00:26:02.459
That let me tell you right now, my dad would be like, Don't be stupid.
00:26:03.782 --> 00:26:14.218
But it truly is because since my father's passing and so much amazing things have happened
to me over the last eight months that I almost feel guilty and celebrating.
00:26:28.628 --> 00:26:41.624
Not for anything because I know he'd be chaffed with me and but um I feel guilty for being
happy for something when he's not around, right?
00:26:41.925 --> 00:26:45.036
So guilt definitely is a word that comes to mind.
00:26:46.732 --> 00:26:49.567
Befrusting guilt.
00:26:54.114 --> 00:26:57.796
When she was a child, Celest feared losing her parents.
00:26:58.237 --> 00:27:05.002
Through the process of losing her dad, Celest has been given the unexpected gift of seeing
her mother in a new light.
00:27:05.260 --> 00:27:13.017
And I've come to learn so much about her, which I I thought I'd known her, but in this
last five years I had seen a whole different side to her.
00:27:13.017 --> 00:27:17.500
But I realized you are brave, but you are silently brave.
00:27:18.201 --> 00:27:19.802
And I overlooked that.
00:27:20.342 --> 00:27:26.367
So Celest might need to navigate life without her dad, but she's not doing it alone.
00:27:26.989 --> 00:27:32.574
She has her mom, she has her large extended family, and she has her faith.
00:27:33.686 --> 00:27:36.588
Having my father was my greatest blessing.
00:27:36.628 --> 00:27:39.530
And my second greatest blessing is losing my father.
00:27:40.051 --> 00:27:47.215
But it took my father dying for me to see God in my face for the first time.
00:27:47.236 --> 00:27:48.226
How embarrassing.
00:27:48.226 --> 00:27:51.839
How embarrassing that this is all that this man has taught me.
00:27:51.839 --> 00:27:55.146
That it took his death for me to go, God, I understand.
00:27:55.146 --> 00:27:57.422
Oh God, I am not angry.
00:27:58.363 --> 00:28:01.286
What a beautiful life he's had.
00:28:01.286 --> 00:28:02.400
And I will
00:28:02.400 --> 00:28:09.805
Indue a lifetime of missing my father for the privilege of having loved him, right?
00:28:09.805 --> 00:28:11.366
And that's okay.
00:28:11.548 --> 00:28:13.150
It's really okay.
00:28:19.833 --> 00:28:22.160
That's nice, I've got no more makeup.
00:28:25.986 --> 00:28:36.154
We dab our faces again, and I marvel at this experience of profound shared sadness, and
yet shared laughter, because our grief doesn't become smaller with time.
00:28:36.275 --> 00:28:40.378
It's just that we keep expanding and growing around it.
00:28:41.026 --> 00:28:45.329
I feel my dad around me constantly, it's so weird I don't feel any further from him.
00:28:45.466 --> 00:28:51.995
I must tell you that I also later came to realise because after the fact so many puzzle
pieces come together.
00:28:51.995 --> 00:28:52.855
No.
00:28:53.056 --> 00:29:01.043
I go, me asking you for sunflowers to let me know that everything will be okay was you
saying everything will be okay, but not in the way I intended, because I had thought it
00:29:01.043 --> 00:29:02.804
would mean your dad will be okay.
00:29:02.804 --> 00:29:05.886
But what it meant was he will die, but you will be okay.
00:29:06.587 --> 00:29:10.338
And no truer words were spoken because has ever been spoken.
00:29:10.338 --> 00:29:11.578
Because I am.
00:29:11.578 --> 00:29:13.751
I am my father's daughter.
00:29:14.218 --> 00:29:15.700
I really am.
00:29:17.122 --> 00:29:23.209
These days, you'll hear Celest's warm smile coming through the radio every weekday
afternoon.
00:29:23.350 --> 00:29:33.612
And if you were to ask her about her plans for the future, she might tell you about the
adventures she wants to take, the masters in social work she hopes to complete, and the
00:29:33.612 --> 00:29:36.725
sunflowers she can't wait to see.
00:29:42.422 --> 00:29:48.044
A free way to support our show is by leaving it a five-star rating and review on Apple
Podcasts.
00:29:48.044 --> 00:29:52.865
It's a chance to tell us what you love about the podcast and it helps others discover it
too.
00:29:53.185 --> 00:30:01.918
Subscribe so you never miss a human-centered story, and check out the show notes for the
Something Shifted Soundtrack playlist, a compilation of songs we've listened to while
00:30:01.918 --> 00:30:03.229
making this season.
00:30:03.229 --> 00:30:07.840
Songs that make us feel a little less lonely and a lot more empowered.
00:30:08.450 --> 00:30:16.130
Many thanks to Rue, my executive producer, for additional writing on this episode, and as
always, thank you for listening.
00:30:16.593 --> 00:30:17.384
Bye.









